


I'll be seeing you

by alexpenkala



Category: Band of Brothers
Genre: Angst, Gen, Malarkey is struggling, Post-Canon, Post-WWII, Post-War, Sorry Not Sorry, heavy topics ahead, yall know who dies
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-12
Updated: 2018-09-12
Packaged: 2019-07-11 08:39:19
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,845
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15968732
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/alexpenkala/pseuds/alexpenkala
Summary: Malarkey has to deal with a world changed and the loss of his close friends. The world has moved on and he needed to move forward.





	I'll be seeing you

**Author's Note:**

> There aren't any trigger warnings but this deals with some heavy stuff. This was a therapeutic writing experience for me. Like Malarkey, I lost a dear friend prematurely last year and this fic was me trying to cope. She was not in the bob fandom but she had a large impact on my life. I hope I did Malarkey justice. Bring the tissues for this peeps.

Malarkey felt empty with the war done. His life for the past three years had all been as a paratroopers. He had gained so much from the time spent in the airborne and yet had lost so much. Now in New York a step closer to home and towards a life foreign to him. A life so foreign to him as the world had moved on from what he knew and familiar with. Navigating a world so different along with dealing with the raw wound of best friends never getting to see what they had fought hard for held challenges.

The first stop on his journey home was visiting his old friends, Toye and Guarnere. They had sent him letters throughout the war and he promised them in the last letters he would visit them. Malarkey wanted to keep in contact with them and he figured many had not seen them. The ship had docked yesterday and he knew of few going to see the wounded men. He could not imagine life without them as he had already lost so many friends.  
Skip and Penkala weighed on his mind heavily and the ache of their loss would not fade. He had so much to say to them and yet never uttered any of it. In time they would be hazy memories but he would never forget the impact they had on him in such a short time. Malarkey knew they watched over him from above and he hoped he would make them proud.  
As he sat talking with Toye the topic of them came up. Toye had lost his leg before they died together. So he had learned of it from one of Luz's letters. The first thing he said was it is a damn shame they died in such a tragic manner and they would always be with the men who knew them. Typical Toye wisdom that helped ease his mind. He thanked God Toye and Guarnere had survived their grave injuries. Losing those two along with Skip and Penkala would have broken him. 

They lived on opposite coasts but the bond stuck through the miles separating them. He stayed till the end of visiting time getting to see Guarnere too. Losing a leg had not slowed him down and he found himself still trying to keep up with him. Guarnere had a smile on his face while they walked the halls. 

Seeing the two of them still alive and for the most part, the same soothed his soul. Those two had been through unspeakable struggles and faced life differently. Malarkey knew those two could overcome anything. He promised to swing around to see them while he was in town. Goodbyes and I'll see you again said to the guys. They were the last two guys he would see for the foreseeable future.  
The company would never all be in the same place again and it was the new reality he lived in. Each of them would have to adjust to civilian life and all would react differently. It would not be easy. There were things he could not unseen and they would haunt his dreams. Every single soldier would go through the same struggles of grappling with the horrors and sights seen.

He gave them hugs and told them how glad he was to see them alive. Malarkey's emotions running high as he waited to catch the bus. The hotel was far from the hospital but it made a due in pinch. His nights spent waking from nightmares of memories repressed. Bastogne and the horrors seen coloring his dreams. No uninterrupted sleep since he had taken off the front lines and off to Paris.  
The morning brought a heavy weight on his shoulders and a weariness worse than before. There were no good night's rests for him anymore. He missed the nights where he could sleep without waking up screaming. The diner nearest to him had a decent breakfast and he sat there in his uniform watching the town come alive.

He waited for visiting hours for the hospital and walked around the town. The company had been here before and he remembered a night on the town with Skip and a few other boys. There was a picture of the group and he kept it close ever since Faye had sent it to him. Faye had kept in contact with him after he had sent her a letter after Skip had died. He sent one to Penkala sister too keeping in contact with her as well. Malarkey had passed along Penkala's family address to Skip's family hoping they could find healing together. Skip and Penkala would live on with the families friendship. They deserved it and much more to keep their sacrifice from being forgotten as time went on.

He did not think he could ever meet with any of them. The memory and pain of the two men who were lost would be hard on him. Especially Faye, he knew so much and he had not met her. Skip had talked about her so much and it hurt to know they would never be together. In time maybe he could meet her.

The bus ride to the hospital did not take long and he got there in time to see Guarnere before his physical therapy. Toye had a setback to where he could not be in therapy so he had a long chat with him.  
"Malark are you sure you are okay to go home?" Toye asked him seeing through his mask he put up.

Toye could always see through his posturing, " In all honesty, I do not know but I have to try and see how home will be." Malarkey said

"You are always welcome to stay with me and my family. If it does not work out you have a place to go I know Pennsylvania is far from Oregon but it still is an option. Even still I want you to visit and when I am well enough I could visit. Have a hell of a time." Toye told him.

He would love that getting to spend time with one of his closest friends. Nothing more excited than getting to see his friend again. The separation hurt his heart since he had lost so many of his close friends Toye was the last close friend alive and he wanted to hold him close.

"I will keep that in mind and you are always welcome in Oregon. We will raise hell and have the time of our lives." Malarkey extended the invitation.  
Little of the easy co men lived on the west coast but he knew he wanted to keep in contact with Buck and Grant when he got out of the hospital. It slowly sunk in he would never get to see Skip and Penkala again. They would have loved to go to all the reunions and be in contact with all the men again. Skip was the heart and soul of easy company his loss would not fade.

Guarnere came in and livened up the room. He instinctively knew when the mood needed to be brightened. It seemed it was needed more and more since the war seeped into their thoughts now it had ended. In time it would be less in the forefront of their mind but never would fade. 

He stayed as long as allowed and brought them food to break up the tasteless variety of hospital food. That seemed to perk them up and made Guarnere even harder to keep up with.  
Hospital food was like army food but worse according to Guarnere. No surprise there was a jab at his cooking thrown in. He could never live the incident down and Guarnere took pleasure in bringing it up as much as possible.

It was good to see that the life-changing injury had not changed him much at all. Toye he could tell had changed a little. Of the two he was guarded and you had to know him well to see the difference in personality.

He knew they could see how he had changed. Anyone who served with him could tell he was not the same man before the war. After everything, he had seen and lost he could not. He was no longer the carefree, lighthearted man before. Skip had taken that part of him when he died and had taken his peace of mind with him. There were many things he wanted to tell Skip. Most of all how much of an impact his friend had on him. Skip helped him grow into a stronger and kinder man.

He had a jaded outlook and tried not to get close to anyone but the men he knew from war would not let it happen. Seeing Toye and Guarnere he knew he could not let these men go as they knew what he had seen. Toye was his only close friend left. Like Skip and Penkala, Toye was his brother. Toye, he had close to losing and he would be forever grateful he still had the strong Irishman with him.

The sad thoughts and feelings weighed on him like a burden. The letters from Faye and Irene, Penkala's sister along with the fragments of the rosary were a burden he would carry. They were tangible connections to them that would not fade over time like his memories would. Some of them would stand out in stark contrast as his memory faded.

Going home took a long time and it gave him so much time to think about all he had been through in the last three years. Looking back on those years made me realize how different he was. Seeing old photos given to him from boot camp made him realize how much older he looked. He stopped looking his age and none of them did after all they had been through.

The train ride did nothing to soothe his aching body and an overactive mind. The closer he came to home he worried more. How in the world would he go back to his normal life after everything? His little hometown had moved on without him and he could do nothing about it. He would have to adjust to what had changed. If not for his sake but for Skip's he wanted to keep living so Skip would be proud of him. Skip would never get to see the world he had given all for and Malarkey owed it to his brother to keep going. 

Home would be much the same and he hoped his mother would welcome him home. Mixed signals came from her about his return and he could not fathom why. Most of his money went to his siblings or to her. The promise he had kept and that should have been enough. He decided to join the paratroopers was not one his mother agreed on but the extra pay won her over.  
He had a makeshift plan of what he wanted to do and he knew he wanted to finish college. That would be the best option as his skill set from the war would not help him get any jobs in civilian life. The train ride ended up taking multiple days as he crossed the country and he ended up seeing new places here and there. 

Standing at the train stop in his hometown brought up many memories making him anxious. Malarkey's family had not arrived but he could not wait to see his siblings. From the pictures, he could see they had gotten so much older and from the letters more mature. The lost years he saw through letters sent. His mother did not write at all and at the time he wondered what he had done wrong. He did his duty to his country and while it had cost him so much never would he regret it.

He knew he could not salvage that relationship. All that mattered was his siblings and how they had gotten along without him. Their relationship would always be a bit tentative as he had come back. His dress uniform stood out among the plainly dressed people gathered at the station. The medals he had earned he did not wear. He could not stand being in his uniform.

He wanted to put the war behind him and get to a place where he could become okay again. So much of what he had seen had permanently affected his whole being. At first, he had not realized how much he had changed but after the patrol which ended up costing Jackson his life. The naive young man disappeared the second he jumped into Normandy. Another disconnect from the world around him.

His siblings chattered about people he had known before the war. Some he had kept up as they had joined the war effort as well. Most still waiting to come home from either front. The drive showed little change from when he had last stepped foot in the town. He had not expected any change but to see it look the same as he took the train to Toccoa rattled him. Already on edge from the train ride, he could not sit still.

Adjusting to a slower pace of life and one not at war was a continuing struggle. Now at home, his problems stood out more to him. They pulled up to the familiar old house and gripped the door as his vision swam. Panic rushed through him and he struggled to make it out of the car. He wanted to go inside and sleep. Avoiding greeting people at all wanting solitude. Everything came rushing back to him and felt overwhelmed being home.  
Since Bastogne loud noises and lots of voices overwhelmed him. He had hidden it until thrown back into civilian life. Even in New York, he had felt like he was still in the military. As he headed towards Oregon the military bearings had seeped away slowly and the loss set in. The army had become a lifeline as it had stability but he knew after Bastogne it would not be a career. When the separation paperwork went through his lifeline floundered.  
His house full of the family wishing him well but he could not even muster much of a greeting. No one seemed to notice the panic coursing through him as he struggled to breathe. Excusing himself to the bathroom as he curled up on the floor struggling to not feel so overwhelmed. Counting back from 30 centering himself and orienting himself with his surroundings.

Fixing his uniform and straightening his fluffed up hair. He had run his fingers through it during the ride home. While he did not want to keep up appearances with all the people in his house he had to so gossip did not spread. That was a way too common event in his family and he was the main event since he had returned from war. All eyes on him as he walked into the room and the medals on his uniform. His mother had made him wear them. None of his actions warranted these medals. Toye, Guarnere and those wounded were the ones who had done so much. Even more so those who never came home.   
If Skip had made it he would not be at home. They had plans to stay in Tonawanda but now he could not even stomach thinking of going there. Later in life, he would like to keep his memory alive. Skip would have come here if he had asked him to.

The party went on but he still dwelled on those of his friends who had died and he could not celebrate. Sleep did not come to him and he laid there listening to the house creaking. He fell asleep as the sun rose barely asleep before the nightmares got him. They were of Bastogne but never changing in the background but in content.

Barely awake the next morning he sat contemplating what he could do. College and work seemed to be the only feasible option. The college he might not be ready for but work he could do. Work would distract him from all of the swirling thoughts.

Still, he would go to college to see what exactly he could do when he felt ready. He never wanted to rule out that option. Buck would help him with what would be a good fit and he hoped to come to visit. Despite the rank difference they had managed to become fast friends and they were close distance wise.

He spent the day in his pajamas having time for himself for a change. A pile of books next to him as he sat on the porch looking out onto the lake. Feelings of peacefulness washed over him as he draped a blanket over himself and held a cup of coffee. His younger sister came out and joined him. He had missed her even with all the letters she had sent during the war. The only consistent letters from home came from her.

The rest of the week followed much the same as he took it slowly getting back into the hang of things. At the moment he cleaned the house letting his siblings take the day off. Trying to get his mind off of the war. Which he could not shake the lingering effects of and he had a feeling he never would. But he had to keep going or he would just drown in a swirling pool of emotions.

Grief, despair, and horror were the common ones he dealt with. It hurt to think of the men he served and what they were dealing with especially those gravely wounded like Smokey, Toye, Guarnere, and Grant. They had to deal with those injuries for the rest of their lives. All having their lives drastically changed having lost a lot of their mobility. He wished he could have stayed near Philly for Guarnere and Toye but he made a promise that he would come home. That would have been good for all of them he missed his friends dearly.

Sunday saw him writing letters to his old friends starting with Buck and Tipper. Malarkey had not heard from them in a while and wanted to see how their recovery was going. He had not seen Tipper since his injuries but from the brief letters he got, he was almost out of the hospital. Buck had started training to become a police officer. Next, he wrote to Lipton, Smokey, Luz, Guarnere, Toye, and Babe. 

Time for his first outing since he came home and he could do it. He could begin to live again. Skip would never have wanted him to become a shut-in and waste away. His friend would want him to live the life he never got to enjoy and for that, he could move forward. Never forgetting Skip but keeping his memory alive through him. He wished his life now would have Skip in it but it was never destined for that. Skip would always be a part of him till the day they were reunited.  
Someday he could open up to one of the other men especially Luz who too struggled with their deaths. He had seen it all happen and told him he would always be willing to talk. Luz had confided he missed Skip too. They had formed a stronger bond and maybe it was Skip's way of letting him know he still had lots of support. He would never be only with his brothers behind him.

It felt good to go out and drive to the little town where he was from. Walking around town with the fresh air felt good against his clammy skin. He had a rough morning with a panic attack and not being able to eat. Both had been a constant problem in his life since he had come home. His clothes fit looser and everyone commented on his appearance. So much of him had gone and changed. Looking in the mirror he did not even recognize the reflection.

Seeing his old dress pictures was much like looking at a ghost as he had aged. Shaking the feeling of longing and sorrow off he kept going. Step by step he would get through his days until he could function again. Nothing would stop him from getting better he owed himself and the men who died that. He was one of the ones who made it out with no purple hearts.

The letters had sent out and he went to get food at the old diner. The owner of the place gave him a hug and let him eat for free. There were a few people not many at the time of day. Just right for him as a lot of people made him jumpy.

But this was a good start now he has to see if there are any jobs in town. Malarkey had to get out of the house it had been driving him crazy. The general story was hiring and he got the job right away. He felt so much better even with it not being like his old job at the metal works. It gave him something to do. The drive back he felt lighter and had a sense of purpose. Life had moved on but he would catch up.

The next few weeks he got better and adjusted but the nightmares persisted. Mornings saw him curled in on himself and covered in sweat. One morning he pulled out Skip's rosary and just sat there thinking of all the times they had been together and what plans they had for after the war. He had nothing but a picture of the mortar squad to remember Penkala by. Penkala and he were not as close as he had been with Skip but still, his death hurt too. The pictures he had of them went into a little shrine of sorts in the corner with prayer candles and a set of jump wings.

For him, that had been progressed as they did not sit collecting dust. They would be remembered properly and he had fewer nightmares after making the memorial. Little steps of progress like the memorial helped him go on the right path. The job helped to give him something to do while he waited for college. Going for his degree led to another step towards a life he wanted. 

Two months and a half months after he came back from war. He finally had begun to heal and be proud of himself. He got a job, registered for college, and even signed up to help with the first easy company reunion. Letters from Luz had helped him to deal with the grief and pain he felt. He knew he had been lucky in the war and knew not to waste the life given to him. For Skip, he would continue getting better and become a person he would be proud to know.

**Author's Note:**

> Comments and kudos appreciated! Let me know what you think. I am on a post-war fic spree right now.


End file.
